BusinessReport.com

Nearing the end of her grilled chicken Caesar salad, advertising executive Ann Edelman, 49, knew it was inevitable: Her male lunch date was going to insist on paying.

Never mind that she’d invited him. Forget that she’s a 25-year industry veteran and that the point of a client lunch is to express appreciation. When the server delivered the bill, Edelman recalls her tablemate nearly “leaping across the table” to get there first.

For Edelman, who takes clients out to lunch about once a week, it’s a common problem. Her guests are largely male CEOs, a group, she says, that’s “more likely than unlikely to pick up the tab.”

“You make your protestations,” she says, “but then it just becomes awkward. You want to be gracious, but you also don’t want them to think you expected them to pay. Therein lies the catch-22.”

Edelman might have been able to pin the blame on her clients’ desire to remain in control and avoid the feeling of indebtedness, except that when her male boss from New Orleans is along and attempts to pay, the same clients acquiesce. Gender, it appears, is the culprit.

But business etiquette experts agree it’s the host who should buy the meal.

“In business, gender is neutral,” says author and trainer Anna Post of the Emily Post Institute, the Burlington, Vt., organization founded on the work of Post’s great-grandmother, Emily. It receives myriad inquiries on personal and professional etiquette issues, including the check dilemma. “The person who does the inviting is on the hook for the bill,” Post says.

The Institute suggests that while it’s tempting to fixate on what appears to be a woman doing something for a man, in business, it’s really just people doing things for people.” But Post agrees it puts some men in a tough spot.

“A man who lets a woman pay worries he’ll come across as not having been brought up properly,” she says, adding it’s similar to the dilemmas some men face about whether to open a door for a female colleague or to pull out a chair. Many men, particularly Southerners of a certain age, default to social, rather than business, customs.

Still, executing an effective power lunch is a skill women need in their wheelhouse. Like most executives, Edelman frequents high-end spots in Baton Rouge like Mansur’s, Juban’s, Gino’s and Ruth’s Chris Steak House, where she not only provides clients a snazzy meal, but where she can bump into other executives and potential clients. Restaurants, not private dining clubs, dominate corporate meals, so it’s an issue that’s probably not going away anytime soon.

Business communications expert Mike McCann of the Houston-based Global Business Café says one strategy is to issue the invitation with over-the-top clarity. “The key is to communicate it beforehand,” he says. “Asking someone, ‘Would you like to go to lunch?’ is very different than saying, ‘I want you to be my guest.’”

“Women are not specific,” McCann says unabashed. “Men are much more specific. You have to use very specific language.”

Sometimes, the best intentions are waylaid when the server situates the bill close to the man, a move that restaurateur Miriam Juban can be avoided if a female host gives a waiter the universal “knowing nod” that says, “I’ll take the check.”

Post agrees. She says a woman can arrive first, talk to a waiter and either provide a credit card upfront or tell him that she expects the bill.

Like many, Edelman says she doesn’t always think that far in advance. More often, she finds herself in a friendly battle over the small vinyl folio. Post says if that’s the case, one protestation is sufficient, but then it’s time to move on.

“She should only argue back once. ‘Oh no, I invited you, let me get that.’ Then let it go, and let him do it.”